Hi Father, I know we’ve talked about this extensively, but I just wanted to bring it up again because, well, it never leaves my mind.
Yes, my love. I know.
I know you know how I feel. I know you feel my ache. Sometimes, it’s just dull, but sometimes it feels like it does right now, like an ocean swell that never crests and laps onto shore.
What else, my daughter?
I long to just let myself burst and deflate. Is that too much to ask?
It will not satisfy.
I know You’re the only One who satisfies. My flame glows for You alone, and I love it.
But?
But I’m still a puzzle that’s incomplete.
You don’t trust that I have all the pieces in due time?
Of course, I do, but the puzzle is collecting dust. The picture’s a blur. It’s not like I can pretend it’s all together.
What will you have Me do?
I’ve been looking around.
And?
How about this one, who says I’m a jewel destined to be treasured?
He has found his jewel already.
This one says he isn’t looking for something serious, perhaps just for a time?
Time that will be spent in pain more than happiness.
I saw this one and he looks wonderful and we have so much in common and I think it could be so great.
You see what’s possible, I see what is. And it would not be good enough for you.
Okay then, I’ll just have to wait.
Yes.
But I’ve waited so long! I’ve done everything you’ve asked. You’ve watched me wade through the options. You’ve seen me get so attached to nothing. You’ve been with me through the most pain and sat with me at my loneliest. How much more do I need to endure?
If I had let you go with any of the options that crossed your path, you would be drowning in mistakes and sorrow. It may feel like suffering now, but you’ve yet to see the suffering I’ve kept from your heart.
Then how will I know? I can’t trust myself to make these decisions.
You can trust Me.
I know. But I have so many fears and doubts. Maybe I’m better off going without. Maybe I need to learn to be content in this suffering.
I know what is better for you.
Yes, You do. What would I do without You?
I hope you never have to find out.
Me too. Thank you, Father.
You’re welcome, my love.
See you tomorrow?
Tomorrow and forever.
Ladies, have you ever had a conversation like this with God? More like, how many times did you have this conversation? For those of you who are battling that overwhelming swell of loneliness, I understand.
I don’t like to admit to it much, but I acknowledge that that is a human feeling. Loneliness isn’t a sin, but it certainly can lead to it. Have this conversation with The Father instead.
However, despite these feelings, I’ve never had as much joy and contentment in my life as I do now. I look back at my crushes and my almost relationships and I say, “thank you God for knowing better because WHAT WAS I THINKING?!”
I don’t want less than God’s best and that’s not just a saying on a T-shirt. The relationship I want and the relationship I need absolutely cannot be any less than what God wants for me because I don’t see the point.
I’ve had people tell me my standards are too high or I’m not looking enough. They have good intentions, but if you hear that too, don’t listen to them. Let God prepare you and let God prepare him for the right time.
Please do yourself a favor and focus on Jesus, who is always there, who doesn’t fail you, who knows what you need when you don’t know it yourself. Spend those unbearable times with your eyes fixed on His blessings, His provision, and His unique companionship.
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives 10 so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, 11 being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, 12 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. Colossians 1:9-12 (NIV)
Leah Jordan Meahl 